I am going to tell you a story,
And I think it's kind of an interesting story,
About how things were a long time ago,
From days when I didn't feel so old,
When life felt like it had a meaning,
And time was defined as everything beautiful.

Because long ago I was a very different person from who I am today.

Before the sarcasm. Before the nonchalant attitude and the five hour afternoon naps. Before my hair was short and spiked. Before the book, the blog, the movies, and everything else that made me quasi-famous in Terryville. Before college and before high school. Before proms and volleyball seasons and graduation ceremonies. Before girlfriends and best friends and everyone else I came to know over the years.

Before all of it ever happened and long before I ever thought any of it was going to happen, I was a little kid in an obscure town in Connecticut, growing up on a street where no one my age lived.

And it was like that for a long time. I lived in a big house in a quiet part of town where I lived in a world of my own design, where my imagination created my reality. There was nothing else for me to enjoy. It was just me in a world of my own.

Other kids use to make fun of me a lot when I was younger. Actually I was insulted and ridiculed more in elementary school than at any other point in my life. Maybe I couldn't connect to other kids, or maybe other kids couldn't connect with me. Maybe they just hated me for some unknown reason. But the more they did it the more I tried to escape it, and the more I delved into this fantasy world I had created for myself.

Then, unexpectedly, on an odd day in January, I met a girl. And this certain girl changed so many things about my life that it's only now that I'm beginning to fully understand the effect she had on me.

In the truest sense she was the first real friend I ever had. She was the first person I ever confided anything in. The first person I could relate to, the first person my own age I had real conversations with. She was the first person I ever really knew on a personal level, the kind of person you could spend hours with doing nothing and have the most fun you've ever had in your life, the kind of person you could be with for days on end and still couldn't be with enough.

And it wasn't just that she was funny and smart and beautiful and a thousand other adjectives that I could spend hours listing. It wasn't enough that she cared about me and that I cared so much about her, that we were so close to each other, that when we were together we were inseparable. It's not enough to say any of that because it doesn't get to the single greatest thing about her.

When I was with her, I didn't need the fantasy world. I was just happy to be with her in reality because even reality with her felt like a dream to me. And it was only when I was with her that I felt like that.

But as the years went by she... faded off somewhere, and I lost that wonderful feeling that I always had when I was with her.

Times goes on though. We grow older, things change, and we become different people. Eventually who were years ago is lost, and we forget how things use to be. The painful memories are hidden in the back of our minds, and the happy ones slip away quietly.

Now this girl that was such a magnificent part of my life has vanished into the vast procession of time itself. My memories of her are starting to slip away, to the point where I'm having trouble remembering if some of them ever really happened at all. The girl that use to make me feel like I was living a dream now only appears in my dreams.

But what sweet and fantastic dreams they are, on bleak nights when I lay in bed thinking there's not a person in the world who can comfort me, when I'm starting to lose hope in everything, when I feel overwhelmed and scared, when it feels like the world is closing in around me.

On those nights she appears again to me in my dreams, looking exactly the same as she did on that random day in January when I first met her. She walks quietly, with the footsteps of an angel, and she smiles a smile that could heal the world of all its sufferings. She hugs me, and I can feel the warmth of her body wrapped around me once more. She whispers in my ear that she misses me, and I whisper back that I miss her too. More than she knows.

Then everything fades to white, and I wake up smiling... until I realize it was just another dream I had.

Of all the times I spent with her, of all the opportunities I had to talk to her, of all the possible things I could've said to her, I never told her how much she meant to me and what a special part of my life she was. Now I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance to.

But if I could have just one more dream with her, maybe I could tell her how amazing she is, and maybe, somehow, she would understand.

I am going to tell you a story,
And I think it's kind of a sad story,
About a girl I use to know,
From happy days long ago,
When life felt like I was dreaming,
And time was defined as everything--


(Happy 18th Birthday, Liana. I miss you.)